Date: 29th February 2008 at 11:48am
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I may or may not attempt to make this a weekly Friday feature. But to be frank, if it runs its course, or if I can`t think of anything interesting or funny to write, I won`t bother. I certainly won`t bother during moribund international weeks (whether or not Raymond Domenech is a complete and utter tool is not a question, it is a universally accepted and scientifically proven fact). So, anyway, without further ado, the twenty questions that have plagued me from the football world this week:

1. Is next year really the year for Spurs?

2. On that note, if Steven Gerrard is sick of saying “next year”, how does he think the Tottenham fans feel?

3. If Steven Gerrard had spent most of the week in hospital with his leg in tatters as a result of a studs up challenge from a foreign defender, how would the press react?

4. What the *£*@ was Gael Clichy thinking of?

5. We complain when our captain is too diplomatic and smiles in defeat and laughs and jokes with the opposing captain. So we appoint a different captain, one who vandalises property and stops just short of crying when we draw. We still complain. Arsenal fans, WHAT DO YOU WANT? Do you even know?

6. Isn`t Ledley King getting in a scrap in a chavvy nightspot worse than damaging an advertising hoarding?

7. Isn`t John Terry indulging in a screaming row with his Assistant Manager in front of his whole squad the day before a Cup Final worse than damaging an advertising hoarding?

8. Alan Hansen this week stated that William Gallas would have made “managers I played for roll in their graves” following the final whistle at St. Andrews. Fair enough, why so quiet about Jamie Carragher`s charge for common assault this week?

9. John Terry, Jamie Carragher, Ledley King and William Gallas all involved in controversy this week, attracting varying degrees of press attention. All are captains/ vice captains of their clubs. Who is the odd one out?

10. Steve Gibson this week slammed the F.A. for their pathetically arrogant decision to suspend Jeremie Aliadiere`s gentle caress with an extra match ban on the grounds of a frivolous appeal. Gibson explained that the F.A. “are at a level of competence which should not be tolerated at an organisation of that importance.” Is that the biggest understatement mankind has ever known? Can any right minded human being find grounds for contention?

11. What are the odds on Middlesbrough not getting a single penalty for the rest of the season?

12. How can a slight touch from Didier Zokora can send Didier Drogba sprawling to the ground in agony, yet when he scores, Drogba can carry Frank Lumplard on his back all the way to the Wembley substitutes bench?

13. According to an archaic Milanese law, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times whilst in the city of Milan unless one is attending a funeral. If Arsenal lose on Tuesday night, does that mean 3,000 of us will spend the night doing bird?

14. Anyone else loving this mind blowingly expansive, pyrotechnic football Chelsea are playing?

15. Back in July, I predicted that William Gallas would be made Arsenal captain, that selling Henry would be the best thing to happen to the club since we signed Bergkamp and that Everton would beat Liverpool into fourth place. Does this make me English football`s greatest prophet since Herbert Chapman?

16. Back in July, I predicted that Fernando Torres would be English football`s biggest flop since Sergei Rebrov and that Andriy Shevchenko would come good once Mourinho left. Does this put me on a par with Alan Hansen as a know nothing twat?

17. Can Alisher Usmanov comprehend the following sentence, “f**k off you solicitous, avaricious little slime ball. Take your dirty roubles and your orange snake of a sidekick and skidaddle mate.”?

18. Will Rafael Benitez`s pledge to ditch squad rotation make the lives of burglars on Merseyside even easier now they have an even better idea of who will not be at home on match days?

19. Are Newcastle fans loving the return of high scoring games under Kevin Keegan?

20. Does the word “retracted” have no meaning in the city of Birmingham?LD.