Date: 26th March 2007 at 1:50pm
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Now the Tim Stillman team of the season squad has been selected, it is time for the much more amusing process of electing the wastrels. I should point out that the criteria is not just who has played the worst, but who has played massively below their potential. For example, I am sure Ballack has been better than Damien Francis, but one must have parameters, or else the whole West Ham squad will be on here! Those dogged with injury will also not be included. I would point out to certain posters who have no sense of humour, that this is supposed to be light hearted, and all accusations of prejudice, racism or any furious remonstrations really aren’t necessary.

1.Paul ROBINSON- The fat one has been a serial dropper of the clanger this season. His memorable performance at St. James’ Park where he was responsible for all three goals in a Spurs defeat, the calamity in Craotia (all keepers should check their area for divots) and his wonderful, ‘fat kid running after the ice cream van’ impression in our Carling Cup semi final at three point lane stand out. (As well as Ivan Campo’s daisy cutter on the opening day). His constant hoofing of the ball and his, ahem, glandular problem, make him a figure of fun amongst supporters of all clubs. Altogether now, ‘you’re too fat to play in goal.’

2.Lucas NEILL- Has not played badly by any means, but his money driven decision to leave a promising Rovers side for a doomed West Ham make him a succinct villain. Turned down a move to Liverpool because they wouldn’t guarantee him a first team place. Err, there probably isn’t a player in the world who could make that demand at Anfield, least of all a half decent right back with no Champions Legaue experience and no winners’ medals.

5.Anton FERDINAND- Convinced that his famous surname will see him through, Anton is sadly a member of the bling, bling generation. Too much, too young, too high an opinion of himself. Plus, I did not realise Jersey was in the States! Also up on an assault charge, and being investigated for crimes against defending by Alan Hansen for his performance against Reading in a 6-0 reverse.

6.Titus BRAMBLE- Has to be the skipper, a cast iron certainty for selection every season. His wild air shots and positional naivety have once again been a source of despair for Geordie fans (well, the few of them that turn up for games nowadays).

3.Ashley COLE- Again hasn’t played particularly badly (nor has he set the world alight). But his propensity towards swerving Bentley’s off the road (only 55k a week you say? Tut, tut, tut) and suing the F.A becasue the Stamford Bridge pitch was unplayable have made him the poster boy for terrace hatred. Also, anyone who gives their car keys to Jermaine Pennant must be a bit stoopid, innit bruv?

7.Kieron DYER- Has once again proved that he is totally over rated and only thought of highly by himself with a series of awkward displays. Constantly whines about being played out of position, yet nobody seems to know what that is. Regretably, his only notable moment of the season came at the Grove. D’oh!

8.Michael BALLACK- Strolls on pitch, dives, get’s someone booked. Gets himself booked. Picks up £130,000 for his trouble. I don’t get it.

4.Didier ZOKORA- Turned down Arsenal apparently. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

11.Matthew ETHERINGTON- One of West Ham’s ‘baby Bentley’ brigade. One half decent season and becomes lazy and complacent. Has been beset by personal problems off the pitch, which is a shame, but mainly he has been stinking the place out on it.

10.Marlon HAREWOOD- See above, but without the excuse of personal problems.

9.Andriy SHEVCHENKO- If Chelsea are patient with him, I am sure he will come good. But Mourinho’s ego will ensure this does not happen. I feel for him a bit, has been blamed, by Jose amongst others, for some indifferent Chelsea form around xmas. But really, for a £31m outlay, you expect much more.

14.Steven TAYLOR
15.Amady FAYE
16.Nigel REO COKER
17.Juan Pablo ANGEL
18.Darius VASSELL


309 Replies to “The Duffers XI”

  • Of course, the manager is Pardew. Two teams relegated in the one season- he is the real special one!

  • Nah LD, for manager (i said this on the other page already) it has to be Boothroyd for the fact he is still wearing his lucky gold tie at every match despite the fact that relegation was unavoidable 3 months ago. And you could almost throw Stuart Pearce in the same boat for that stupid horse thingo he has. At what point does being superstition just become plain stupidity? Pardew and Reed would both be good candidates though.

  • I recon putting Schwazer in there is a but harsh though, i might be a bit biased towards him but still tell me one really bad mistake he has made? I havent seen any. Theo, not a chance.

  • 17 year old playing Champions League football anyone? 17 year old scoring in a domestic cup final anyone? Thought not.

  • Robinson ha sscored as many as Walcott this season LD. And No to Zokora either, Thats just silliness.

  • Jacky B, did you actually expect a coherent intelligent argument from this author? Apparently on another post he states “Frankly, I am far too good a writer”. As per usual evidence of this claim is lacking.

  • Only 2 Spurs players – shame on you!! Are you so sure that JENAS couldn’t cover for Dyer?

  • to be fair to him he states its a wind up at the beginning. Still, if we are talking players who have “played massively below their potential.” then Walcott is first on the sheet. And 2nd, 3rd. you get the picture

  • Andy – Jenas has scored 7 goals in 25 games this season, during which he broke his ankle. Not bad i’d say 😉

  • Zakora has had about 3 decnt games all season. The most involvement he’s had in a game was an attempt at an attack on Boateng but he couldnt get through Chimbonda and Lennon to touch him. His inability to land a punch bares a striking resemblance to his aversion to a football.

  • Ozi… Granted, Zokora has not had a great season, and i am not suggesting he should make the best 11, but by no means should he be in the worst 11. also, if players dogged by injury are exempt, why is a guy whose game is all about aggression and strength not to be excused after a bout of malaria?

  • Walcott gets the benefit of the doubt not because he is an Arsenal player but because he’s 17. He also hasnt been a 1 goal striker, he’s only started 2 games upfront. The rest he has been on the wing, mostly as a sub, and still got 3 assists. If age and experience didnt come into it at all then Darren Fletcher would have been in there for the last 3 seasons.

  • I know Jacky…I’m poking fun at him beacuse I reckon he punches above his weight… As for Zokora, he may be a bit rubbish, but he seems to enjoy being awful – have you seen the grin plastered on his face most of the time?

  • Zokora’s performances have been dodgy, but his constant, “oh I turned down Arsenal” speeches have made himstick in my mind. Plus, watching Denilson and Fabregas ***** on him from a great height in the CC was special. Walcott is 17 years old, I find it sadly symptomatic of the media and the people who consume it could consider a 17 year old boy, who has been average (by the standards of the standard he is playing at, he has been the best 17 year old in the Prem this season) should warrant a place on the list. Robinson’s job is to save goals, not score them. Sir Harry has a big, black gaping whole where his sense of humour should be, even though I stated clearly in the article that this was a light hearted article, he still comes out with his miserable, humourless crap. Chill out, I bet you sit and deconstruct the historical inaccuracies in Monty Python’s Life of Brian. “What? Brian being taken off in a spaceship by aliens? Why that’s highly fanciful!”

  • Fair enuf forgot about the malaria thing but still the attempt at a kick at Boateng was as bad as the pitch invaders shot at Fat Frank (although he was aiming at a smaller target) and clearly us Arsenal fans are gonna find his comment about why he went to spurs funny. Maybe if his next years as bad as this one he can become a comedian.

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