Date: 5th July 2008 at 10:32pm
Written by:

Art, particularly music, is often used as a barometer for people’s personalities. Music and literature are a great way for us to understand a little bit more about the world around us. So in my boredom I’ve decided to assign a song to every player in the Arsenal squad that I feel either best reflect their personalities/ abilities/ current circumstance. I have constructed it in squad number order so that you can easily skip straight down to Adebayor before proceeding with the rest of the article. Feel free to leave your own suggestions on the forum.

1.Manuel Almunia- I MIGHT BE WRONG by Radiohead.
I’ll be honest, I couldn’t really think of anything for Manuel, so I settled on this track from Amnesiac to reflect my own doubts. Almunia is the ideal back up goalie, but I’ve inherent doubts as to his suitability as Arsenal’s number one custodian. Let’s hope I am wrong.

2.Abou DIABY- LAZY by Xpress 2 ft. David Byrne.
Talking Heads frontman David Byrne teamed up with dance collective XPress 2 to create this perenially nagging hit ‘Lazy.’ The hook of the summer of 2002, ‘I’m wicked and I’m lazy/ oh don’t you wanna save me?’ It remains to be seen whether Abou can save himself from his idleness.

3.Bacary SAGNA- TARANTULA by Pendulum.
Like Pendulum’s dancefloor fodder drum ‘n’ bass smash hit, Sagna is kinetic and never fails to disappoint. Plus, Sagna’s hairstyle, well, it does kind of have an arachnid quality to it don’t you think?

The song title says it all, the would be Prince that became our little Spanish king is a player most Gooners wouldn’t swap for anyone on earth. ‘Running wild and always running free/ Doing things that I have never seen….Now I know you’re the best thing in town/ the best thing around’ croons Billy Joe Armstrong. Hard to disagree.

5.Kolo TOURE- HYPERSPEED by Prodigy.
Prodigy’s 1991 amphetamine fuelled classic is as relentless and unyielding as our Ivorian centre half. Hyperspeed best describes Toure’s enthused approach and electric pace. Whilst most dancing to this on a Saturday night would in all likelihood fail a drugs test, one can’t help but wonder what they’ve been putting in Kolo’s water.

6.Philippe SENDEROS- DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE by Public Enemy.
Chuck D’s enduring ode to unfair demonisation and harsh criticism was tailor made for our oft lambasted Swiss centre half. ‘The minute they see me, fear me/ I’m the epitome – a public enemy/ Used, abused without clues/ I refused to blow a fuse.’ Despite his impressive record whenever he’s had a run in the side, most Gooners would still have you believe Public Enemy’s ‘Countdown to Armageddon’ is a more apt sobriquet.

7.Tomas ROSICKY- BROKEN FACE by Pixies.
Possibly the only injury yet to befall the Czech midfielder in his Arsenal career.

8.Samir NASRI- HOW SOON IS NOW? by the Smiths.
‘You say it’s gonna happen now/ but when exactly do you mean?/ See I’ve already waited too long/and all my hope is gone.’ The closing lines of Morrisey and Marr’s masterpiece about loneliness and alienation could just as easily been about the most drawn out transfer deal in history.

With the news that Eddie could be back in training by August, you have to wonder if the ‘Bionic Man’ modiker afforded to John Terry should really be handed over. Jamie T’s chorus of, ‘He was back in the game/ thought he was done man, thought he was finished/ but now he’s back up again,’ is a fitting tribute to Eduardo’s quiet determination.

Former Blur axeman’s ode to the nagging, whingeing qualities of the woman he loves. Like the romantic focus of this ditty, Gallas is never satisfied, rarely smiling and hard to like. But really, you have to love him for it. Afterall, as any woman will tell you, they only do it because they care!

11.Robin van PERSIE- BREAK MY BODY by Pixies.
It seems the Boston rock quartet have the monopoly on songs about physical mutilation. Interestingly, the song contains lyrics about base jumping and belly dancing respectively. Rumours that Robin contracted a hernia belly dancing with his Moroccan wife are as yet unfounded. One shudders to think what would happen if he went base jumping.

12.Carlos VELA- WAITING IN VAIN by Bob Marley.
The young Mexican has finally arrived following a couple of legislative dodging loan spells in Spain. Let’s hope the waiting hasn’t been in vain.

13.Aliaksandr HLEB- MOVE TO THE COUNTRY by Massive Attack.
The urban weary Belarussian has grown tired of London’s fug, noise and decay and longs for a quiet life. The fishing village of Barcelona and sleepy suburb of Milan have been touted as likely destinations. (I could have gone with Just One Cornetto here, but that’s already been done surely?)

The song begins slowly, almost tentatively unsure of itself, before building into a crescendo of twirling kinesis. The song sheds its inhibitions with a switch in tempo in the middle 8, ‘come on and let it out.’ Walcott’s eighty yard saunter through the entire Liverpool time is a fitting graphic depiction of that sentiment. The final refrain, ‘it’s all falling into place/ so now there’s nothing to explain,’ describes Theo’s recent blossoming. The mood of the song pretty much maps out Theo’s career to date.

15.DENILSON- DOG GOT A BONE by the Beta Band.
With Diarra and Flamini out of the frame and Diaby’s malaise growing, Denilson has a real chance to stake a claim and realise his exraordinary potential this season.

16.Aaron RAMSEY- SEVENTEEN by the Sex Pistols.
Errrr, I don’t know much about Rambo other than his age, hence the song title. Let’s hope he’s not, as Rotten tactfully spits in the chorus, ‘a laaaazy sod.’

Michael Stipe’s tribute to Hollywood actor Montgomery Clift who was constantly harangued in his acting career and beset with bad fortune. Song too got a raw deal when his Premiership debut was marred by idiot Arsenal ‘fans’ who decided to boo him relentlessly just because Arseblogger said he was crap. His form at centre half at the end of last season suggests the morons at Craven Cottage that night might be swallowing large slabs of humble pie very shortly.

19.GILBERTO- DIGNITY by Bob Dylan.
Dylan mournfully sang, ‘sometimes I wonder what it’s gonna take to find dignity.’ He needed only travel to the mining town in Brazil called Mineiro, birthplace of Gilberto Silva. Having been ousted from the team last season, Bert kept his counsel in an age when players are all too quick to run their gums at the first sign of a club not massaging their egos. Certain Dutch and Togolese strikers would do well to look to their Brazilian team mate the next time they feel like having a whinge about the wage structure.

Came into the side as a teenager and looked to be the real deal. One loan spell at Birmingham later, he looked error prone, before drifting into obscurity. I fear that Thom Yorke’s introspective musing of, ‘in a little while I’ll be gone/ the moment’s already past, yeah it’s gone,’ may just ring true for young Johan.

21.Lukasz FABIANSKI- YOUR STAR WILL SHINE by the Stone Roses.
With the crazy German now out of the picture, Fabianski has the time and the opportunity to step out of the shadows compete with Almunia for the number one spot.

22.Gael CLICHY- HURRICANE by Neil Young.
The durable Canadian troubadour’s song for an ill tempered lover could just as easily be a forlorn tribute to the whirlwind pace of the ubiquitous left back, ‘you are like a Hurricane/ and I’m getting blown away.’ Blew away just about everybody with his performances last season….except Domenech.

Urrrrrm, does this really need explaining?

26.Nicklas BENDNTNER- THE LONER by Neil Young.
‘He’s the perfect stranger/ the unforeseen danger’ Young chants ominously on his 70s track about an isolated and unpopular local figure. His team mates antipathy towards him was pretty obvious even before Adebayor decided to nut him. Heaven knows he’s miserable now.

27.Emmanuel EBOUE- DIVE by Nirvana.
Cobain’s angst ridden plea ‘DIVE, DIVE, DIVE, DIVE WITH MEEEEEEE,’ fits the bill perfectly for our grass dwelling, brittle boned right winger.

30.Armand TRAORE- STREET FIGHTIN’ MAN by Rolling Stones.
Cautioned by Police last September for taking a knuckle duster to White Hart Lane. Once a promising kick boxer. I wouldn’t try and pinch his nokia!

The Who’s 1965 pop swoon for teenage innocence replicates Wenger’s unwavering faith in his young charges whilst all around him doubt. Oasis’ the Masterplan seems to be the natural successor on the Wenger soundtrack. Hopefully, several more renditions of We Are the Champions are to appear as hidden tracks.LD.