Date: 10th July 2009 at 10:42am
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This week American sports broadcasters, ESPN announced that they have purchased the rights to the Premier League matches that were left available after the bosses at Setanta decided that they cash they should be using to pay the PL was better spent on Guinness.

ESPN later revealed their itinerary for the coming season, and in return the Premier League have made 10 changes the league’s rules in honour of our American saviours, and we at Vital Arsenal have gained exclusive information of the amendments.

1) Teams competing in the Premier League will no longer be referred to as ‘football clubs’. Instead the term ‘Sporting franchise’ will be implemented.

2) A 90 minute football match will no longer be played in 2 halves of 45 minutes. Instead each game will now feature four quarters of 22 and a half minutes each. In addition to this, the clock will be stopped every time the ball goes out of play and each game will take three days to complete.

3) Studies show that the sport of ‘soccer’ remains unpopular in the States due to its low scoring nature. With this in mind each goal will now be worth 7 points, with a bonus point being added for any goal scored from outside the 18 yard box. It is noted that the Premier League has already received a letter from Tottenham’s Daniel Levy demanding this new law be back dated, ensuring Spurs won last season’s North London derby at Ashburton Grove, 30-28.

4) There will no promotion to, or relegation from, the Premier League. It is noted that the Premier League has already received a strongly worded letter from Tottenham’s Daniel Levy demanding this law be back dated to 1913.

5) All Premier League franchises will be renamed with a more ‘American-ised’ feel to them. A short time ago, the PL issued new names to all competing franchises. It is noted the PL has already received an incoherent rant from Tottenham’s Daniel Levy insisting that Spurs’ new chosen team name contained an unfortunately spelling error. The Premier League confirmed there was no spelling error and that the Tottenham Shite Sox are to remain as such.

6) Premier League referee’s are no longer to be referred to as such and will now be named umpires. In addition 4 match officials will now reside over each game. The first big fixture of the season between Liverpool and Manchester United will be officiated by Howard Webb, Mike Riley, Steve Bennet and Rob Styles. Vomit bags will be provided with every match ticket.

7) Burger and beverage stands at all franchise arenas will all be upgraded to accommodate the new consumables. Hotdogs will now be three feet long, beer and ‘soda pop’ will come in 16 and 32 ounces cups rather than the traditional pint and any arena employees will no longer know what ‘brown sauce’ is.

8) Football supporters attending Premier League matches will no longer be allowed to sing and/or chant their favorite franchise and player songs. Instead a universal song sheet of the officially accepted chants will be distributed to supporters franchises and posted on franchise websites. Amongst the few accepted chants are ‘WHOOOOPP!!’ ‘YEAAHHHH’ ‘DEFENSE DEFENSE’ and of course ‘U-S-A, U-S-A’.

9) The transfer system will be be abolished and replaced with the annual ‘Drafts’. The PL will inform competing franchises of the ‘Draft’ conditions as soon as it works out just what the fuck a ‘Draft’ actually is.

10) The Premier League will no longer be decided by the current points system. Instead ‘play-offs’ will be implemented. It has been decided that after the usual 38 rounds of games, all 20 franchises will compete in the play-offs at the end of May, enabling franchises other than Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal to be in with a chance of winning the title come the end of the season. It is noted that the PL received no letter from Tottenham’s Daniel Levy.