Date: 21st March 2008 at 2:55pm
Written by:

1. Chelsea have now been fined three times for failure to control their players. Have the F.A. finally learnt that the message isn’t getting through?

2. What happened to referees giving dodgy decisions against Boro?

3. This Sunday will likely see Emmanue Eboue and Ashley Cole do battle over the same piece of turf. Who will boo the loudest, Chelsea fans, Arsenal fans or the neutrals? And who will they be booing?

4. Is there anybody out there, honestly, who can think of a redeeming feature of Ashley Cole?

5. On that subject, Arsenal fans are often told it is better to have English players in your team because it gives the fans someone to relate to. Honestly, can YOU relate to Ashley Cole? I mean, I have once vomited in a cab, but I certainly didn’t tell the car owner they should consider it a privilege, and I certainly didn’t end up laying some minging blonde that night. (It wasn’t for the want of trying mind…..)

6. With Tweedy now impervious to Cashley’s ‘charms’ would Heather Mills McCartney make the perfect wife for him? Because I hear she’s available now.

7. Why can’t the F.A. upgrade a yellow card to a red retrospectively? Did they take some kind of blood oath at Stone Henge at midnight that we are not aware of?

8. Tom Huddlestone’s dive on Wednesday, was he corrupted by all those dirty foreigners?

9. Given that serial referee baiters Lumplard, Terry and Robbie Keane all shared a pitch on Wednesday night, has Mike Riley got his hearing back yet? (Because evidently his eyesight is still as shit as ever).

10. Which flavour of ice cream does Alex Hleb prefer?

11. Is Cristiano Ronaldo intent on ruining my life?

12. Which genius as Sky thought United v Bolton would be a better game than Spurs v Chelsea? Hindsight my nutsack, anyone could have told you the latter would be infinitely more entertaining.

13. Makelele’s over the top lunge at West Ham, Cole’s assault on Hutton. Are Chelsea the new Bolton?

14. 6-4 v Reading. 4-0 v West Ham and Fulham. 4-4 versus Chelsea and Villa. Is White Hart Lane the new St. James’ Park?

15. Did anyone else see the irony of Seba Larsson being kicked out of the game by Nicky Butt on Monday night? Why, he must have been in a bad mood all night.

16. And did Stephen ‘MENSA’ Kelly endorse the fact that Butt wasn’t even booked?

17. Newcastle only half filled their allocation for an away game at Birmingham. Can this pathetic myth about their support please stop now?

18. What the %&*£’ has happened to Kenwyne Jones? I haven’t heard his name in months. Is he still alive?

19. Why do Sky have to persist with this ‘Grand Slam Sunday’ shite? Does it make anyone else want to vomit? (See The Big Match revisited on ITV4 4pm on Thursdays for more innocent times).

20. Will ITV4 pay me for that last plug?