Date: 30th October 2008 at 1:09pm
Written by:

1.Manuel ALMUNIA– The poor little flower obviously didn’t fancy get his nails all chipped and dirty, so refused to actually hold the ball all match. Still, lovely bleach job, really covers the greys. 4

3.Bacary SAGNA– Went for a kicky summer braded do, which is perhaps understandable in the Bahamas in August, but not really the right cut for a winters evening in North London. Nice heels though. 6

4.Francesca FABREGAS– Cute little alice band to augment new flowing locks. Looked a little greasy there, maybe some Head and Shoulders next time ducky. In all seriousness, an apology from you Mr. Fabregas please. Quickly. 2

8.Samantha NASRI– A little bit of a shrinking violet on the night, though a rather fetching dainty little dink for the third goal was very becoming. 6

10.William GALLAS(c)- Compromised the femininity of the otherwise lubricious looking side by clearing displaying a pair of bollocks. Almost like he was spending the whole night trying to compensate for Michaela Silvestre’s complete lack therof. Very unlady like. 8

11.Robin van PERSIE– Wasn’t she the precious little wallflower? Complimented the clearly menstrual Adebayor on several occasions. Swish dance moves after the fourth goal, really looked the belle of the ball. 7.5

14.Tia WALCOTT– Full of graceful running and polite endeavour, looks fantastic up top but still doesn’t pay enough attention to her behind. 7

15.DENILSON Pereira de Neves– Pretty in that kind of Plain Jane sort of way. Taciturnly tried to do all the chores for the prettier, slimmer girls, but was over run in truth. 6

18.Michaela SILVESTRE– Philippa Senderos looks markedly more attractive now. Fighting for the same balls as Gallas all night, any woman will tell you that balls are usually responsible when two girlfiends fall out. 5

22.Gael CLICHY– Those ill advised stiletto heels really came back to bite her. Twat. 3

25.Emmanuel ADEBAYOR– Looked a little bit menstrual, was not really joining in with the other girls. Maybe it was something to do with those horrible green boots. Looked tired and emotional towards the end. 6

SUBSTITUTES

27.Emmanuel Eboue– Didn’t fancy getting her shoes dirty. Bit of a flirt, looked like she was ravenously going after some tackles, before pulling out and complaining of a headache at the last moment. 6

2.Vassiriki Abou Diaby– Showed suspicions of testticular fortitude at first, before a bitchy foul on Bentley proved this cat has claws. Meow. 6

17.Alexandra Song Billong– In chasing down Jenas for Spurs’ third goal, managed to look more delicate and efemenate than Jermaine Jenas. Alexandra outpreened the preening queen, top marks girlfriend. 5