Date: 7th July 2010 at 2:51pm
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With the World Cup moving towards its latter stages and the transfer market yet to ignite; news has been a little thin on the ground in respect of club football. (As evidenced by the paucity of articles appearing on the front page). I`ve been wracking my brains for some weeks for a way to beef up our front page output, so I thought, “Come on Tim, think, what would a journalist do?” That`s when it hit me, like a lightning bolt from the hammer of Thor, “By golly that`s it! I`ll just make up a load of old pish!” So I decided to round up a cluster of bite size news events from the world of football this week that, for legal reasons, I`m obliged to point out didn`t actually happen. Enjoy.

New Barcelona President Sandro Rossell has released his 33rd press statement this week outlining his desire to indulge in filthy, morally dubious carnal acts with actress Angelina Jolie. “The sort of filthy acts only available for viewing under the counter in back street Amsterdam sex shops,” Rossell confirmed yesterday.

Though ever the compassionate, respectful soul, Rossell outlined that he hoped his lusty outpourings would not lead to a rift with her actor squeeze Brad Pitt, “I recognise that there is a third party in this, I have a lot of respect for Brad Pitt, he was great in Titanic and Blood Diamond. I don`t want to harm my relationship with him, but I probably will nip round his house when he`s out for a paper and some rizlas and have naughty time in his shower.”

Rossell went on to say that he had no desire to make his lusty longing public, wrestling the microphone from the hands of a nearby reporter, he said, “But of course it makes things more difficult when these things are public. What`s that? I have just made it public? Oh damn, damn these cursed lips of mine.” Meanwhile Barcelona midfielder Xavi was quick to chip in with his completely unsolicited opinion on proceedings, “Yeah, I think Angelina has Barca DNA. Or at least she will once she sees what Sandro left in her shower.”

Manchester City`s ram-raid of the transfer market is set to continue this summer, with Citeh supremo Gary Cook seen in a bar in New York screaming, “Want that one!” and pointing at the screen over and over again whilst watching the World Cup quarter final between Germany and Argentina on a big screen.

After offering Yaya Toure a contract which guarantees the Ivorian midfielder, “Three lithe, buxom, raven haired maidens a week for life as well as as many curly wurlys as you can eat” Cook set out his plans to buy every player whose name is punned upon by Mark Lawrenson at this summer`s World Cup. Gary Cook has also enlisted irritating, gurning fashion guru Gok Wan as Chief Scout upon instructions to,”Buy anyone what looks a bit nice in Sky Blue.”

England coach Fabio Capello outlined his bold new plans to shape England`s future by confirming that there would be sweeping changes for next month`s friendly against Hungary. In the wake of England`s humiliating exit to a German side containing many players who have never ever played in the bestest league in the world and therefore must be a bit crap we assume, hand wringing, blood thirsty journalists have demanded it`s time to ditch the players they`ve spent eons telling us are the best ever.

The England squad have come under even more fire after rumours emerged that several senior players celebrated their 4-1 defeat to Germany in a less than savoury fashion. It is reported that a squad bonding “truth or dare” exercise led to many ill advised stunts, it is alleged by “The Daily Racist” newspaper that John Terry ran naked through the funeral of a war veteran, James Milner used endangered otters to go clay pigeon shooting with and Ashley Cole created a bonfire of “fur coats and fifty pound notes” outside a job centre in Bracknell.

Ever the disciplinarian, Capello outlined that the winds of change would blow through his next squad selection. Wearing what appeared to be a Bo Selecta! Mask Capello told assembled reporters, “It is true that things need to change. That is why in the next squad I will pick at least one player that hasn`t been charged with a sexual assault, assault on a Granny or pooing on a nightclub dance floor.”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter has come out fighting as calls for video technology in football increase during a World Cup which has been strewn with officiating errors. In the wake of Frank Lampard`s unrewarded effort against Germany which was, scientists estimate, “a bus ride over the line” and Carlos Tevez`s hilariously offside effort against Mexico, the perpetually tedious debate about video technology has once again dominated the back pages, boring everyone who reads them to horrible, horrible tears.

But the FIFA President was unrepentant in his refusal to countenance such hi tech robo piffle in the sport, spitting at gathered journalists, “Yeah sure, we introduce video technology and micro chips in balls now, but when the machines become drunk with their own power and wage war on stadiums full of consumers with their lovely, lovely money in some kind of Terminator 2 meets Mad Max scenario, you`ll all blame us, won`t you?” Blatter then composed himself as towels were handed out to the media masse to wipe the spittle from their faces, before continuing, “Besides, what you all seem to be missing is that technology in football is all a bit?you know?” before holding out a limp wrist and whistling in a two tone manner that suggested effeminacy. “Well, it`s all just a bit gay, isn`t it?”

Wait for it??..LD.