Date: 11th February 2008 at 1:36pm
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With Richard Scudamore seemingly adamant that ruining the Premiership and pissing off millions of people is still a good idea, some friends and I tried to think of other ill conceived plans that have been put forward by the powers that be. (If you haven’t already, sign the petition, if you’re on facebook, join the ‘Save the Premier League’ group- where you will see my Millwall supporting friends rather eloquent post. Three lines long and the phrase ‘utter c***s’ is used twice. Genius). The purpose of our drunken exercise was to attempt to find an idea worse than Scudamore (‘Scum adore’ is an anagram of his name. Coincidence?) and his chronies. You will not be surprised to hear we could not think of one, but I recount as many ‘innovative suggestions’ as alcohol will permit my memory to recall for your delectation.

David Beckham’s retirement to L.A- Beckham has always been a good player, if wildly over rated. But when he found himself in the last year of his Madrid contract and a lucrative offer came in from Los Angeles, Becks sold out any integrity he had as a footballer and decided to prize Brand Beckham over his football career. Becks could quite easily have carved out a living in Serie A with a club like Milan or Juve, but he chose the dollar signs. Soon after signing a pre contract agreement with L.A. Galaxy, Beckham had played himself back into the Madrid and England sides and Madrid made a last ditch effort to keep him. Having seemingly rescued his career from decline, his premature decision came back to haunt him. If he never achieves that elusive 100th England cap, he will have nobody to blame but himself.

David Dein’s ‘Arsenal need money to compete’ Mantra- With Henry having been sold in the summer and Dein’s ‘Fat and Orange’ consortium looking to stage a hostile takeover, Mr. Dein tired to create supporter unrest in aid of his militaristic invasion attempt. ‘Arsenal need money to compete with the big boys’ he would recite to any journalist who just happened to be hovering outside a restaurant he would coincidentally be dining in. Fast forward six months and Arsenal have been top of the table going into 19 of their 25 games so far this season, with uber spenders Spurs and Liverpool out of sight. All of this with Arsenal in credit on their transfer spending since the end of last season.

The Penalty Shoot Out for League Games Idea-The Premier League foreshadowing their current lunacy with the idea of ending all draws in league fixtures. Instead, all tied league games would lead to a penalty shoot out. The Premier League were laughed out of town by pretty much every fan, player and figure in football with a ludicrous demonstration of how far out of touch they are with the average supporter. Unfortunately, the lesson has not been learnt.

Darren Bent announces himself as a Spud- Spurs new £16m signing and the man who would surely propel Tottenham into the top four exclaims his disbelief that his transfer fee matches that of the one Arsenal receive for Thierry Henry. Proclaiming to the world that the Gunners had been short changed gave many a Spurs fan a cheap chuckle. In September he promptly fluffs a golden chance for an equaliser against Arsenal at the Lane and come February, is substituted for making Derby County’s defence look something approaching decent. Meanwhile, Barca President Laporta rages that Arsenal have ripped Barca off for selling them an injury ravaged Henry for an inflated price.

The election of Michel Platini- International football loving, Arsene Wenger hating crackpot who wants to ban headers, ban tackling and play more international friendlies. Someobody whose ideas are so shrouded in insanity, that he manages to make Sepp Blatter look like the sensible one. That said, even he thinks the Premiership’s overseas idea is crap.

Manchester United’s Janaury trip to Saudi Arabia- Yoonited decide to undergo a mid season money spinning trip to the Middle East. They subsequently drop five points out of their next six in the title race. Apparently, the travelling involved for international friendlies is to blame for their limp defeat to Citeh. Oh…….

The 99 occasions that Gerrard ignores better placed team mates to shoot before he scores- Stevie Me to save the day. Whole world crows over his genius when one of his pot shots fly in in the last minute against Luton Town or Havant & Waterlooville. Match of the Day highlight packages and national media generally ignore the 99 previous attempts at goal that fly over the bar or into a defenders midrift with a forlorn Liverpool striker looking apolplectic with rage. Mind you, if I had Dirk Kuyt upfront, I would think twice about passing to him!

The Decision to Pull Funding from the state of the art English youth Academy at Burton- With all this talk about lunacy and idiocy, props are certainly due to the cretins at the English F.A. While Howard Wilkinson and Trevor Brooking actually look to remedy the fact that the English national team have been crap for forty years, the Football Association decide tish and fipsy to that. We’ll trouser the dosh and stick an arch on Wembley Stadium instead. So when England get even worse, we’ll just point the finger at the foreigners. 95% of the media fed, xenophobic idiots that constitute this nation hoover it up like cocaine crazed supermodels at Chinawhites. Spiffing work gents.

Mr. and Mrs. Shearer- Mrs. Shearer turns to her man and explains that she’s feeling a little rambunctuous this evening and would care some of the Shearer loving. Mr. Shearer agrees, but on the condition that, ‘we don’t use a condom, just this once.’ D’oh!LD.