Date: 17th December 2010 at 11:02am
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SHAWCROSS SECURITY PLANS LEAKED
With baby faced martyr Ryan Shawcross due to return to Ashburton Grove this weekend for the first time since his studs were disgracefully blunted by Aaron Ramsey`s shinbone, Stoke City have revealed details of the extra security Professor Shawcross will be subject to upon his descent into North London. With fears amassing that poor Ryan might be subjected to a bit of booing, the Potters have ramped up their security detail for the fixture.

After wiping an errant tear from his eyes, Stoke Chairman Peter Coates grunted, “We have special plans for Ryan so that his sweet little cotton ears won`t have to be subject to the low brow language of the natives. Ryan will be airlifted into the Emirates Stadium by the archangel Gabriel, with three thousand white doves flanking him. We respectfully request that the stadium PA lines up Leonard Cohen`s ‘Hallelujah` ready for Ryan`s descent. We might allow Arsene Wenger to touch the hem of Ryan`s white gown as a symbol of his apology, but we`ll have to see if Ryan is up to that.”

Meanwhile, Stoke manager Tony Penis has assured the concerned masses that Saint Ryan is of fit state psychologically to play Arsenal`s brittle bullies; “We did have some concerns, the Arsenal lads shin and ankle bones do tend to snap under the slightest thousand mile an hour duress and we were concerned that the sound of bones snapping might hurt Ryan`s feelings again. But fortunately, he assures me that he`s ready to play on Saturday, he`ll be leaping into tackles at unnecessary speeds and angles as usual.”

2026 WORLD CUP TO GO TO BID WITH “HOTTEST STRIPPERS AND BEST SHOES.”
FIFA has bowed to public and media pressure to be more transparent around the requirements for the bid to host the FIFA World Cup. With the fallout continuing as the world governing body coincidentally awarded the World Cup to the bidding nations with the most draconian media restrictions, FIFA Head Honcho Septic Bladder has acquiesced to demands for greater transparency in the bidding criteria.

Briefly taking his snout out of a nearby money trough, Bladder confirmed, “The 2026 World Cup bidding process will basically be down to which country has the best strip clubs and junk. Plus, I could really do with some new snake skin loafers, so we would probably look favourably on hosting the competition in the Arizona desert. In addition, the host country should be prepared to waive certain laws for FIFA Executives. So, you know, if me and Jack Warner feel like kicking back and drinking the blood of the native children whilst masturbating ourselves into an early grave, we should be able to. Spit spot.”

Meanwhile, the England bidding team have confirmed they will be preparing a bid to host the 2026 World Cup, but an F.A. Spokesman revealed this effort will take a slightly different angle to the ill fated 2018 bid, “This bid will be based entirely on lies and poison, which is why Nick Clegg will head it up. Who fancies a polonium baguette?”

ALLARDYCE TAKES YEOVIL TO CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL ON CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER
Newly unemployed loudmouth Sam Allardyce has immediately placed himself back in the job market with freshly bonkers claims that grandly exaggerate his abilities. With a mouth full of Ginsters, Allardyce spat at a reporter, “I, the great Sam Allardici, have just taken Yeovil to the Champions League Final on Champ Manager 2011,” he then paused for dramatic effect before declaring, “On the hardest setting!”

Before the reporter had a chance to ask why in fricking blazers anyone would possibly care, Allardyce wibbled; “If an unemployed foreign manager had done that, like, I dunno, Graeme Souness, you lot would be scribbling eulogies to the man whilst he was wined and dined by Real Madrid`s top brass. Instead, look at me, sitting around in my M & S Y`s, eating pies and stewing in me own juices. I the great Allardici, deserve more respect. Now if you`ll excuse me, I`m off to prepare for a hot date. Fergie might let me go to second base tonight so I must comb my nostril hair.”

TEVEZ FELT BETRAYED BY ‘COMPLETE LACK OF MONKEY BUTLERS.`
Handsome and in no way whiny Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has lifted the lid on his curious fall out with City club executives. Following on from the highest paid player in Britain`s complaint about the game`s money obsessed culture, as well as his public transfer request curiously citing differences with the Citeh suits, Tevez revealed the minutiae of his frustrations.

“I don`t ask for much, all I ask from City is for attractive female monkey butlers and a hovercraft powered entirely by Emmanuel Adebayor`s sense of self worth. But the City executives, they give me monkey butlers that smoke cigars and wear top hats. I wanted sexy monkey butlers, like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. Instead I get chimps that look like Gareth Bale`s midget brothers.”

ASHLEY TO APPOINT DR. DRE AS FITNESS COACH
In a sustained effort to remind the nation he is a complete cretin, Mike Ashley has made another bold move with a new appointment in the Newcastle backroom staff. Obviously bored with the club`s brief flirtation with stability, Ashley announced his latest backroom shake up at a press conference.

Wearing a black and white striped mankini and comedy moustache, Ashley told reporters, “The rumours are true, I have appointed hip hop lothario Dr. Dre to be our new fitness coach. Think about it, a player comes in one pound overweight, pow! His ass gets pistol whipped. We have to keep Sol Campbell away from the buffet somehow! Plus, you know, he`s a Doctor and s**t.” Ashley also confirmed he was currently in talks with Sam Allardyce around reprising him as manager, having heard of his stellar performance with Yeovil Town on Championship Manager.LD.