Date: 28th April 2008 at 10:45am
Written by:

Dear Jim`ll Fix It,
I am a 24 year old Arsenal fan; I follow the team home and away and have done throughout my youth. Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the first two thirds of the current campaign, the last third has been pretty trying to watch as my team have unbelievably surrendered a five point advantage at the top of the table to find themselves out of contention for everything. Or so some would have us believe.

We Gooners have watched on in agony as our hotshot striker had his leg virtually snapped in half, a series of generous penalties have been awarded against us, whilst those who trespass against us in the penalty area have been forgiven, we have seen referees invent new addendums to the offside rule to deny us goals and have watched on with resigned disgust as Chelsea and Manchester United try to outdo one another in the “horrible bastards” stakes.

However, we have a league fixture at Derby County tonight and, with three games remaining, sit seven points behind the leaders. So mathematically, we are not yet out of the reckoning. If United pick up one point from their last two games and Chelsea only pick up two, Arsenal can take the league title by winning their remaining fixtures. Jim, I would like you to fox it for me so that Chelsea and United, under the huge pressure of a compact title race and Champions League semi finals on the horizon, drop the requisite points, whilst Arsenal win their remaining games and win the most unlikely Championship title since 1989. You see Jim; we`ve had our fair share of bad luck with karma failing to credit our account in recompense. I put it to you Jim that Arsenal deserve for their misfortune to be rectified.

Not only would this see the old myth of “it all evens itself out over the course of the season” upheld, but the comedy value of such an eventuality really would outstrip anything that so called “logic” could ever offer. Not only would this silence a hypocritical, purple nosed old Scot, but it would also sufficiently stun a rather unpleasant Russian oligarch. Not only that, but the little boy down the road just got a new BMX, and he keeps cycling onto my drive to show off. Don`t get me wrong, it`s a pretty nice bike, but I`ve got a Harley Davidson sitting on my drive. Fair enough, it`s three years old now and could probably do with a paint job, but it`s still much better than a BMX!

So Jim, please fix it for me that United and Chelsea are subjected to the same miserable luck over their next two league games that we have been victim of and let Arsenal march to the most unfathomable, and let`s face it, hilarious title win ever seen in English football. After all, if Arsenal`s capitulation really was down to William Gallas kicking an advertising hoarding and then sitting down, surely Rio Ferdinand kicking a female steward and the Chelsea ground staff brawling with United players should be enough for the biggest twin capitulation in history? In fact, scrap the above. Dear Jim`ll Fix It, please fix it for me to have Chelsea and United docked ten points apiece. Yours in hope and desperation, Tim Stillman.