Date: 18th December 2006 at 9:11pm
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No particular reason for this article, other than a bolt of inspiration after flicking through a copy of mojo. Given my love for all things analogous, I thought I would try and define each Premiership side using a band/musician. So here goes, some true, some controversial and some reeled off the top of my head.

ARSENAL- Like the Arctic Monkeys. Young, cocky, brimming with promise. Show all the hallmarks of stadium Gods, but time will tell as to whether they can achieve their obvious promise.

ASTON VILLA- Are A-Ha. Big for a small period in the eighties, hinting at a comeback, though you’re not really sure where they’ve actually been for the last twenty years. You’ve been vaguely aware of them without ever feeling their presence.

BLACKBURN ROVERS- The Kaiser Chiefs. Typically Northern, stoic, formulaic. A couple of big hitters, but really you suspect they are punching above their weight.

BOLTON WANDERERS- 50 Cent. Seemingly devoid of any talent, completely misrepresent the genre. Yet somehow achieve huge success. Really you just wish they would go away.

CHARLTON ATHLETIC- Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. Went up the spout when the talented one left.

CHELSEA- The Sex Pistols. This one sticks in the craw because I love the Pistols. But the comparisons are irrefutable, possessed of a moral arrogance that grates with everyone except their fans. You suspect they are bound to fizzle out as quickly as they arrived. Managed by a pretentious, self absorbed tosser.

EVERTON- Debbie Harry (Blondie). Much more attractive in the eighties. Nevertheless, you have to respect their achievements.

FULHAM- Rod Stewart. Trendy for a time in the seventies, before they became substanceless playboys. Nowadays quite content with where they are with no further ambition.

LIVERPOOL- The Rolling Stones. Huge for about twenty years, but you cannot really tell why they’re around anymore. Happy to dine out on their illustrious past but still have a huge fanbase. With the odd exception have produced nothing since 1990.

MANCHESTER CITY- The Foo Fighters. Inoffensive, some talent in evidence, but largely irrelevant. Fronted by a bloody nice bloke who made waves in the early nineties, which kind of prevents them from being annoying.

MANCHESTER UNITED- Oasis. Glorious heyday in the nineties, a few dodgy years thereafter. Ultimately you cannot deny their status amongst the all time greats.

MIDDLESBROUGH- James Blunt. Of absolutely no interest to anybody whatsoever.

NEWCASTLE UNITED- U2. Sickeningly full of their own self importance. Nothing to say yet popular, had a half decent hit in the mid nineties, but why they are considered such a leviathan is a complete mystery. The only difference is that U2 play to sold out stadiums.

PORTSMOUTH- ELO. Criminally under rated. A talented front man who really does not get the credit he deserves.

SHEFFIELD UNITED- Take That. Out of their ten year hiatus and back woth the big boys. You met their return with dread and horror, but really not as bad as you thought they were.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR- Guns ‘n’ Roses. After a little success in the early nineties, they are now generally a complete laughing stock. Dozens of line up changes, yet nothing approaching success. Strangely still believe that they are great. Have been promising a comeback for years- it’s never materialised.

WATFORD- Bruce Springsteen. You feel sympathy for them because they are a little misunderstood, but barring a decent output in the eighties, you feel they’re not really up to scratch anymore.

WEST HAM UNITED- Chas ‘n’ Dave. Unpretentious cockney troubadours, kind of likeable but a little too much Tottenham runs through them.

WIGAN ATHLETIC- Jet. Uninspiring, bland new boys on the block. Thye really bring very little to the party that you haven’t seen a thousand times before, but you grudgingly respect their ability to ween success out of limited talent.

There you have it, I’m not sure Hammers fans will appreciate the Chas ‘n’ Dave analogy. I am certain Man USA fans will not be flattered being compared to Citeh fans Oasis. Finally, if Axl Rose is reading this he’ll be thinking, ‘Tottenham? Man I really must be an ***hole!’ LD.


74 Replies to “Chelsea, Tottenham and the Pistols”

  • Liverpool – only the UEFA Cup and Champions League, isn’t that two more European Trophies than you lot?

  • Hence, the ‘odd exception’ disclaimer Sir Harry. We’ve won the league four times since they last won it. Their CL win was exceprtonal and I was thrilled for them, but the UEFA Cup just plain doesn’t count!

  • You know why he’s trying to make everyone believe it’s a real trophy don’t you Tim…….Just in case 😉

  • Well it’s bigger than the Peace Cup I suppose. WHta’s that old saying? Starving people will gladly eat dried crusts.

  • so you have the choice of silverware or no silverware … very tough call there … ! Past recent winners include Sevilla, Valencia, Porto, Inter, CSKA Moscow, Juventus, and Galatasaray who beat Arsenal – didn’t hear you complaining when you got to the final. Quite happy to be classed with those sides

  • That was when it used to mean something though SH, it’s nothing more than the European Carling Cup these days, only difference being some decent teams actually enter the Carling Cup.

  • So CSKA who overturned you 4 points to 1 aren’t a good team? Oh the arrogance of a side only two points ahead in the premiership to a ‘complete laughing stock’ and who’s manager is probably in trouble yet again

  • The thing with teams winning trophies of whatever hue is that it inspires confidence and the willingness to move forward for any team. It is rather pathetic that anybody should sniff at silverware. Are you telling me that you won’t celebrate the Carling Cup if its the only silverware you get? Would Henry, Fabregas, Silva, Toure, Lehmann say it is worthless? Shocking. In the UEFA Cup are Roma, Selvilla, the Moscow teams, Werder Bremen, all very good sides in Europe … can’t imagine any of them say ‘********* wish we’d come fourth in our group …’

  • When you’ve won as many trophies as we have, you devolp this taste for it, and you want the good stuff, if you’ve been drinking champagne for years, why would you be happy to drink Lambrini?

  • ‘I’d rather drink my own *****’ .. Story of Arsenal’s history in Europe. A team only two points ahead of a ‘complete laughing stock’ may have aspirations above their station

  • Sir Harry, I fear you have taken the article a little too seriously. I would celebrate a carling cup win yes, but if that was all we won I would not consider it a success. Let’s face facts here, you are kind of proving my point with regards to Spurs, taking yourselves far too seriously. A team who went to the CL Final with a load of kids does not really have ideas above its station. In answer to an earlier point, people who read my stuff regularly will know I ALWAYS maintained I would rather go out of Europe altogether than have been demoted to the UEFA, such is the worthlessness of the competition. Winning the Carling Cup with our U-18s would just be funny more than anything.

  • sorry Little Dutch but that just demonstrates the arrogance of your club and is an insult against the 32 clubs still in the UEFA Cup. I am also certain that 15 clubs still in the Champions League would disagree with you as well as the 8 team who finished fourth in their group – all teams prefer to be in competitions rather than out of them

  • I’m sure the likes of Galatasaray, Palermo and Spurs are quite happy with the UEFA. Arsenal are a bigger club than all of the aforementioned and the UEFA is an indignity to us. It also wrecks the fixture schedule and I just do not think a club of our stature belong there. I’d rather win the F.A Cup or concentrate on getting higher up the league. It’s not arrogance, it is linked with the potential of our club. I’m sure Arsenal would win the St. Johnstone’s Paint Trophy or whatever they’re calling it nowadays, that doesn’t mean I want Arsenal to be in it. That may sound arrogant, but with achievement comes expectation.

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