Date: 10th July 2008 at 2:13pm
Written by:

Ah, the foul stench of manure is upon us again. Where can it be emanating from? Has Martin Samuel written another love letter for Frank Lampard? Steven Gerrard in an England shirt? Tottenham claiming that this year, definitely this year, they will finish fourth? Nope. Septic Bladder once again pollutes the world of football with one of his ill advised and frankly, stupid rants about something or other. But whilst Bladder`s pathetic mumblings usually resemble an incontinent, drunken Grandad babbling away to himself in his armchair, reeking of piss on Christmas day, Bladder has decided a bit of offensive humour is in order.

Bladder has opened up his bowels once again and poured forth the following bile regarding Cristiano Ronaldo,
“If the player wants to play somewhere else, then a solution should be found because if he stays in a club where he does not feel comfortable to play then it’s not good for the player and for the club.” Yep, with you so far, player wants move, club say no. Player acts like arsehole, stamps and cries until he gets what he wants (ahem, Alex Hleb).
‘I’m always in favour of protecting the player and if the player, he wants to leave, let him leave.’ Hmmm, yes I suppose in that instant it`s probably best for the club to sell, who wants and unhappy puppy in their squad eh?
‘I think in football there’s too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere.”

WHAT? Slavery? SLAVERY? Are you for fucking real? Slavery? Maybe my GCSE History lessons were somewhat scattergun with their selection of facts but I don`t recall being taught that cotton pickers in Alabama earned over fifty times the average working wage. Maybe Booker T. Washington was just being a real negative Nelly, but I don`t remember anything in ‘Up From Slavery` about slaves being able to choose their masters based on who offered them the most money. Maybe I`m being na├»ve Sepp, but I don`t think, and maybe I am wrong, but I`m sure Cristiano Ronaldo was not forced to sign a five year contract with Manchester United last year. My understanding is that he signed with his own pen of his own accord. Slaves aren`t afforded this luxury (not to mention the cars, the houses, the goal bonuses, the appearance bonuses), they are sold to an individual against their will. And it`s not just a slave`s working practice that is overseen by his owner, it`s his entire life. I also don`t think slaves were paid gargantuan sums to play games; it was a little more strenuous than that Septic. But hey, if your interpretation of being a slave involves voluntarily subjugating oneself contracts worth weekly six figure sums, getting a bonus just for turning up for work, working three hours a day and spending the rest of it on sports cars and Madrid pierre d`terres, then I`m more than happy to come and work for you under these abominable conditions.

Right, now putting aside the utterly offensive and not to mention despicable metaphor indulged by Bladder, let`s repudiate how hypocritical, self serving and stultifying ill informed his latest assertion is. Firstly, Septic you were actually asked to intervene in this matter last month. Remember? United complained to you and your cronies about Madrid`s illegal pursuit of Ronaldo. You chose not to get involved. So why the fuck have you stuck your oar in now? You were asked to get involved. You refused. So your opinion is officially and at your own behest, worth the square root of sod all. If I didn`t know better, I would be convinced you were simply trying to facilitate the removal of the Premiership`s best player into another of your more favoured leagues, such as Spain. To your favourite team too, Real Madrid. Of course that`s all tish and fipsy; the powers that be have no such inclination to attempt to hamstring the strongest league in Europe in any small, trifling way possible.

Now Sepp, if you really are truly indignant and looking to strike an Arthur Scargill type blow for workers` rights, I suggest you look towards this loophole I have kindly searched out for you. Are you aware of an organisation named FIFA? What? You are the head of FIFA? Well then surely you are aware of the subterfuge you created? It`s called a transfer request. If Ronaldo has had enough of being whipped with wads of cash and has developed a sore cock from having had too many blowjobs at the Christmas party, he can hand in a transfer request. Sure, that waives his right to a signing on fee at his new club, but I hardly think that was a huge matter for 19th Century abolitionists. Secondly, I fumbled across some quotes from one of your FIFA colleagues from January of this year.
“The decision which CAS took on 30 January is very damaging for football and a Pyrrhic victory for those players and their agents, who toy with the idea of rescinding contracts before they have been fulfilled. Because of this unfortunate decision, the principle of contractual stability, as agreed in 2001 with the European Commission as part of the new transfer regulations and which restored order to the transfer system, has been deemed less important than the short-term interests of the player involved.’
I`m not sure if you are aware of your colleague`s opinion, but you might want to tell him to tow the party line a bit more. I don`t know, perhaps he`s some work experience chap who got caught cold with a microphone under his nose. Anyway, for your reference the name of the gentleman who gave the above quote was Sepp Blatter.

Bladder has always been irritating and stupid; I do not know one single football fan that has referred to his abilities in moderate terms, let alone with glowing commendation. He has toyed with mildly un PC dribblings before (something about women footballers wearing tighter shorts. Which, coming from a man of his age, makes me feel sick to my stomach in its lecherousness). But this time he has really crossed the line into downright offensive. Any MP of any standing in most European countries would be forced to resign on the back of statements comparing multi millionaire footballers with slaves. Bladder`s entirely contrary statements surrounding player contracts from earlier this year reveal that either; Bladder does not know his own mind and has a defective short term memory or he has an ulterior motive at heart driven by a surreptitious agenda. Either way, he is unfit, unable and morally ill positioned to carry out a job of this standing. His continued employment has been a murky shit stain on the toilet bowl of football for some time. But now, his failure to resign will be a grave insult to people who spent any portion of their lives in slavery. Real slavery.LD.