Date: 6th June 2011 at 10:46pm
Written by:

Bellend of the Season is always such a difficult award to distribute. Football is an opera that is played against a concerto of strong feeling, often governed by dislike as rivalry calls the conductor`s tune. As such, we spend as much time expending bile at those we despise as we do purring over the skills of those we adore. In fact, a lot of football fans just use the sport as an organ of bile all the time, especially against the teams they profess to support. The inaugural award in 2008-09 was snaffooed by none other than Phil Brown- who has experienced two consecutive relegations since. Tony Pulis regular outpourings of cretinous bile earned him the 2009-10 award. 2010-11 again gives us a plethora of candidates.

Upton Park has been the go to place for shambolic buffoonery and no two individuals better personify that idiocy than the brothers Grim- David`s Gold and Sullivan. Two men once memorably downsized by Simon Jordan when he dismissed them thusly, “That`s about what you expect from two men that sell dildos for a living.” Quite. From branding a home game in November as the “Save Our Season” game, to admitting not turning up for an away game at Manchester City so resigned were they to defeat, to the bungling attempt to replace Avram Grant, the smut peddlers have been treading in PR cow pat all season.

Then of course we have Barry Ferguson, whose tremendously Corinthian gesture whilst celebrating Birmingham`s Carling Cup Final winner was to mock the prone Laurent Koscielny by ruffling his hair. I hope to Dennis above that as Ferguson lay on the turf in tears at White Hart Lane that he thought of that moment as he contemplated the pain of relegation. Enjoy the Championship won`t you f***face? Oh I`m sorry Bazza, low blow? Here let me ruffle your hair and comfort you. You weapon.

But this year`s Bellend of the Season takes the bellend biscuit. Whatever your partisan club leanings, I`ve a feeling the forum will not hum with disagreement this year. Football fans of the world unite, for a man capable of an unremitting mandate of unpleasantness; his every utterance brings decent football fans out in hives. The bard of bellendery, the Wordsworth of wazzockery, 2010-11`s Bellend of the Season, the plutocratic pillock Mr. Josef Sepp Blatter.

Blatter of course has a long history of the sort of insular lack of self aware statements that make one cringe and want to vomit blood. From his bureaucratic brainwave of making female footballers play in tighter shorts to attract crowds, to his shockingly hypocritical statement that “Fifa cannot sit by and see greed rule the football world. Nor shall we.” Well, mission accomplished there Sepp! His unctuous outpourings make one grimace, as though one has just accidentally taken a swig from a bottle of piss. You`ve seen that Simpson`s episode where Mr. Burns, in an attempt to be loved by a hostile public, tries to alter his image to become a nice person and, in doing so, ends up coming across as roughly three thousand times more evil?

Blatter is football`s most arch politician, forget the expenses scandal, this man has had his snout in the trough so long that he`s grown a curly tail and started to go oink oink. Make no mistake, under his tutelage FIFA has a free meal ticket to rape a country rotten. Let`s examine this quote from 2007, “There is a movement in club football, which I don’t necessarily consider a prime example of solidarity, because it leads us to conclude the rich are getting richer and they are using everything in the market to create an exodus from Africa.”

What a beautiful sentiment Sepp. Thing is, under your rule, FIFA is a registered charity, therefore meaning it pays no tax. A multi-million dollar enterprise like FIFA that happily puts its hand in the tills of Coca Cola, Budweiser and adidas pays no tax on its earnings and no tax to places such as, ooooh, let`s see, where was the last World Cup held? South Africa. Sepp of course boasted about his legacy, bringing football`s unifying umbrella to an economy in need of a boost. Except Sepp and his cronies left no such legacy, just the faint imprint of teeth marks as he and his cronies sucked every last drop from the teat of the country before filling his boots with filthy lucre and boarding the gravy train back to Switzerland. (It is, of course, a complete coincidence that FIFA are based in Switzerland, where they can hide certain financial details). Of course, FIFA demands diplomatic immunity from all World Cup host countries, meaning no FIFA delegates can be prosecuted in the host nation for the duration of the finals. A free meal ticket if ever there was one. Blatter is the biggest bastion of football`s banana republic.

But of course Sepp lining his pockets in South Africa was only the start of his season of chicanery. The absolute shambles that was the World Cup bid in November saw open season declared on Sepp`s age of avarice. With the British media exposing incident after incident of FIFA corruption and glad handling, the World Cup, quite coincidentally, went to the two most oil rich bidders with the two least intrusive media institutions. Quelle surprise. Qatar does not even meet the most basic codified FIFA mandate of needing six separate host cities, such is its size. But that didn`t matter to Blatter and his band of bureaucrats. If you`ve got the green, you`ve got the gig. Blatter`s reign has come to such a level of greed that his organisation scarcely bothers to even hide it anymore.

Then of course we have the recent fiasco as FIFA delegates were, once again, exposed as the conniving corrupticos we all suspect them to be. Of course, the “FIFA Family” conducted a thorough and transparent internal investigation and, errr, no charges guv. Oh, apart from Sepp`s opposing candidate for the Presidency. He got banned. If FIFA was a country, NATO would have begun bombing it by now. A network of power hungry, self preserving old men who live off the game, not for it. The thing is, they don`t even do anything worthwhile. All they do is bestow hosting rights for the World Cup. It`s a farce that an unaccountable organisation has been able to wrest this level of gerrymandering for so long.

In Sepp`s plutocratic design, each FIFA delegate gets one vote. Which declares something of a spring break style party season for the “FIFA Family.” (Another sickening Blatterism, the Manson`s were a family as well you know). A situation has been sculpted whereby delegates are to be wooed, wined and dined in return for votes. They barely make any attempt to hide it so desperate are they to cling to their free meal ticket. For instance, no bones were made about a friendly England granted to Trinidad & Tobago in 2006 being a gift to Jack Warner in return for his vote for England’s World Cup bid. But just so we`re clear, all bids are considered on the strength of their merits as host nations, yeah? Such base corruption should appal even the most Machiavellian individual.

Blatter`s press conference a week last Sunday, in reference to the stinking edifice that is the world`s governing body, was crazy making. He slammed journalists that had the temerity to question him. Full of hubris he declared, “”I thought we were living in a world of fair play, respect and discipline but I must unfortunately say this is no longer the case because our pyramid, the famous Fifa pyramid, is suddenly unsure on its basis and there is danger.” Is anyone genuinely stupid enough to buy such self piteous piffle? As head of an organization that has been exposed for massive levels of corruption, it is unacceptable (as well as unbelievable) to say you had no idea it`s been going on. At worst, you`re implicit, at best; you`re in dereliction of duty as President.

I can`t think of a single football fan that isn`t utterly fed up with this power hungry, deluded despot trussing himself up in the Emperor`s Clothes as he lords it over his kangaroo court of boot lickers. FIFA is the perfect example of an organization that serves nobody but itself. The situationists once daubed on Parisian walls, “Give me structures that serve people, not people that serve structures.” Blatter has presided over an organization that has gone rotten to its very core to the point that it needs a bloody flamethrower taking to it. No replastering, the structure is rotten. It wouldn`t solve all of FIFA`s ills, but removing blowing Blatter out of his bellicose cave would be a fine start to a pleasing revolution in world football. Sepp Blatter, you my friend, are a proper bellend.LD.

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