Date: 28th March 2008 at 2:00pm
Written by:

1.Arsene Wenger has said this week that he is “scared that in the modern game there is no room for international friendlies.” Who`s he trying to kid? A) SCARED!? Should that be roughly translated as “get rid of these useless excuses for football matches now!”? and B) Arsene, as long as Mr. Blatter and his cronies are picking up arse fattening pay cheques for them, there will ALWAYS be room for international friendlies.

2.Haven`t won in five, its Bolton away next on the back of a round of internationals without our most consistent performer this season (bar possibly Flamini) absent, could the odds be stacked any more firmly against us? (While Chelsea and United get Boro and Villa at home respectively. Great, I mean they`re hardly the most taxing fixtures, anybody could beat those two at home??..oh, yeah).

3.Where did Holland get the cheek to play van Persie for ninety minutes, when he hasn`t been able to do this for Arsenal for six months? (Because he was injured playing for Holland!)

4.Following Stevie Me`s moan that Rooney`s positioning was to blame for another abject Gerrard performance against quality opposition on Wednesday; does this guy ever take responsibility for anything? Ever?

5.Now, I`m not suggesting respect for match officials isn`t important, but shouldn`t we be addressing more important things? Like getting an interpretation of the offside rule that people without Physics Degrees can understand? Or stamping out (excuse the pun) dangerous tackles?

6.And where does John “Tourettes” Terry get the balls to come out and demonstrate his support for respecting match officials? What next? Myra Hindley castigates drink drivers?

7.This Sunday, JT was upstaged in the sportsmanship stakes by Emmanuel Eboue. Is there a worst indictment in football?

8.In a bid to brown nose his way to the England captaincy this week, Terry informed journalists, “Off the pitch I`ll be nice as pie, I`ll smile, I`ll sign autographs, but when I cross that white line, I want to win.” Would “being nice as pie” constitute urinating on nightclub floors, parking in disabled bays because he has enough money to pay the fine and getting pissed up and abusive in front of grieving American travellers at Heathrow on September 11th 2001?

9.Can we now please stop kicking the ball out for other team`s injured players? Chris Sutton, Spurs times two, John Terry, we keep getting raped by this stupid convention.

10.Were the Chelsea fans who sang “you don`t know what you`re doing” at Avram Grant when Chelsea were trailing 1-0 on Sunday even slightly embarrassed to celebrate the winning goal?

11.Does anybody else really, really hope Drogba goes to Italy in the summer?

12.Cesc Fabregas, Aliaksandr Hleb and William Gallas all played ninety minutes in international friendlies this week. Don`t you just want to f****g chin someone?

13.Should Adebayor be given a breather on the bench tomorrow?

14.Is it wrong that I`m considering applying for a visa to Moscow? I`m not being over confident, but apparently it takes six weeks to clear applications, is there a club or UEFA directive on this? Surely eighty thousand people can`t be issued visas in two weeks.

15.Who appointed Alex Ferguson as referee supremo? (Ferguson alleged that Hackett has favourite referees, nominating Clattenburg and Bennett. In the aftermath of this assertion, both were appointed for last Sunday`s top four clashes. Howard Webb has been suspiciously overlooked for refereeing duties since Fergie`s rant).

16.Jose Antonio Reyes to Newcastle United in the summer. Is this anybody else`s favourite transfer rumour of all time?

17.Will Kevin Davies be able to jump without wildly swinging his elbows tomorrow? (Consider that one a rhetorical question).

18.John Batchelor has made a bid for Mansfield Town this week and is proposing to rename Mansfield after fictional team Harchester United from Sky One`s awful soap ‘Dream Team.` Whatever happened to the beautiful game?

19.We lose Bacary Sagna to injury, United lose Darren Fletcher on the same day. Is someone taking the piss?

20.What was Mark Hughes` reaction to Rovers bench warmer and South African international Aaron Mokoena injuring Roque Santa Cruz in a friendly against Paraguay this week?LD.