Date: 24th March 2010 at 10:59am
Written by:

Work has been incredibly hectic of late, so it feels as though I haven`t fully had a chance to fully exorcise spleen on some of the rapacious rantings of the Premiership`s great and good over the last week. Consequently, this article is going to be a notebook style compendium of cacophonous criticisms and conniptions. But still, despite the outbreaks of verbal diarrhoea, we still have the soothing news that Ryan Shawcross has made a full recuperation and our stalwart is happy to report that he will not change his style.

‘I knew straight after I was going to be the same player and make tackles.
‘It was an accident and these things happen in football – I’m not going to change the way I play.”

Errrm, maybe I`m demonstrating some deep kind of flaw in the philosophical cosmos, but isn`t the point of accidents that they do make you take stock and revise your actions? If I mowed someone down in my Baby Bentley at 100mph, I would perhaps think twice before reaching for the accelerator quite so liberally the next time I got behind the wheel. Our teary eyed bildungsroman then implied that his feelings had been hurt by the fact that Ramsey had not returned his calls (doubtless he was a bit too busy trying to walk again).

‘I have made efforts, I’ve left him messages and a text, and nothing has been returned but that’s up to Aaron,’

Hmmm, I`d wager Aaron has had enough contact from Shawcross to last him a life time. Baseball capped cretin Tony Pulis was quick to pipe up with his usual nonsense. Presumably spitting into the microphone stark bollock naked wearing nothing but his chavvy cap, as he looked mournfully around for another one of his staff to head butt.

‘I think everyone who has seen the incident, apart from maybe one person (Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger), recognises it was an accident,’ he said.

I`m not aware that Wenger did say that it was deliberate, but this is the sort of half baked shit you expect from knuckle draggers like Pulis and the sort of unsubstantiated fabrication that then passes into the realms of bona fide fact for the media and their baying, slack jawed masses. To think Pulis remarked earlier in the season of Wenger, “moaning like a drain.” Incidentally, in the same press conference, Pulis confirmed that Mike Tyson had visited the Potters training ground. So stand by this weekend as Abdoulaye Faye gnaws Carlton Cole`s ear off to an outpouring of validation from pundits the nation over.

Speaking of mendacious hypocrites, John Terry has also been boo hooing in the press this weekend. Having secured the Father of the Year award from Daddies sauce (which ego centric at a condiments company thought they had the right to judge who the best parent in the whole of England is? Seriously, how fucking self important and arrogant can you be? Maybe Vital Arsenal should hold an award ceremony of our own to decipher 2010`s “sexiest sufferer of a terminal illness”), John was looking for the Tunnock`s Teacakes hypocrite of the Year award to flesh out his mantle piece. Terry was wracked with indignation as he lamented UEFA refereeing standards,

Some choice segments from this salacious waffle were as follows:
“We were at home (to Inter) and we didn`t get one decision.” Right, so referees are meant to be biased towards home sides? Gothca.
“We need someone at the club to take it up with UEFA. I’m not going to say the word conspiracy. But I’m so frustrated by what happened.” So you`re not going to use the word conspiracy? That`s funny John, because it looks like you already used it there. It`s that word with a ‘c` in that sentence you just said. No, not that word with a ‘c`. Though I know you`re very used to hearing that one.
‘When a decision didn’t go our way I, as captain, went to speak to the German referee and he turned his back on me. That is just pure disrespect.” Imbibe that little sentence one more time, that`s right, John Terry accuses a referee of disrespecting him! Whatever next? Ashley Cole derides the self important nature of the modern footballer? Didier Drogba goes postal on the issue of ‘simulation`? Perhaps Michael Ballack could express concern at players that routinely break up play “wiz all the niggly fouls, ja.” Statesman Terry heroically went onto claim, “If I get myself in trouble so be it, I owe it to our fans to speak out.” Funny John, because you`ve been very quiet over the last two months haven`t you?

No sermon on football`s morons would be complete without a full and frank discussion on football pundits. I`m told that, upon Thomas Vermaelen being sent off on Saturday, ESPN were broadcasting that the Verminator`s suspension would be for three games. A red card for a professional foul has only ever been a one match suspension- unless the perpetrator has already been sent off within that season, therefore it becomes two. Is it really so difficult for people who are paid to provide an expert analysis to actually know the rules of the game? Indeed, ESPN charge a subscription for their channel, so part of the package you are paying for is that their coverage features a well informed and articulate panel. Similarly, the coverage of the Manchester United penalty garnered against Liverpool has been similarly infuriating. Law 12 in the Fouls and Misconduct session clearly states, ‘If a defender starts holding an attacker outside the penalty area and continues holding him inside the penalty area, the referee must award a penalty kick.’ Now, you can debate whether indeed Mascherano was still holding Valencia in the penalty area, but the line Sky were peddling was that as the foul started outside the box then it has to be a free kick. No! You cretins. Commentators and impossibly tight trousered pundits should surely know the chuffing rules if they`re going to address the nation on a controversial decision? You wouldn`t invite a politician onto Question Time if he didn`t know what the Maastricht Treaty was. Sky have long been responsible for misappropriation of the rules of the game, proliferating them and then seeing their incorrect bastardisations drift into accepted fact. For instance, this nonsensical “oooh, but was he the last man?” rubbish when looking at a professional foul. The rules make no reference to “last man”, they only make mention of “clear goal scoring opportunity” so whether or not the defender was the “last man” is not always relevant. It really does not take an awful lot of research to ascertain this knowledge- but if you`re in the business of imparting wisdom then it pays to know. I can just about accept that most football coverage caters for the lowest common denominator, but this flagrant misrepresentation of the rules is as pointless as it is infuriating.LD.