Date: 10th February 2008 at 6:00pm
Written by:

I’m sure everyone in the world is now aware of the Premier League’s intentions to add an extra fixture to the domestic season with a view to playing the match abroad in a transparent attempt to line their pockets with some extra spondoolicks.

Well, as well as petitions and campaigns, we here at Vital Arsenal have been thinking of money spinners to fill the Premier League wallets so they don’t have sell the soul of our national game.

————
Spot The Fan Competition – Every fan in England will pay a pound to enter the ‘Spot the fan competition’. Pictures of the Riverside, the Reebok Stadium & Ewood Park will be sent to each fan who will then mark with an x the area they believe the fan will be sitting. Though trading standards are set to look into the validity of the competition after it was revealed the likely hood of their being any fans at the stadium meant it would be about as fair as a Richard & Judy phone in.

The Wayne Rooney Swear Box – For each spit fuelled four letter tirade the porky Man Utd striker fires towards a Premier League official, the ginger chinned scally will donate 50p to the Wayne Rooney Swear Box. Studies show that the projected earnings from this venture for each match would be enough to pay half of Steven Gerrard’s weekly wages. Or alternatively, wipe out the third world debt. Twice. Rooney will also chip in a £1000 every time he goes ‘ski-ing down the old pink run’ with anyone over the age of 60.

The Sponsored Pie Eat – England team mates Frank Lampard & Paul Robinson will each be sponsored £10 for every Ginsters Peppered Steak Pasty they can shove down their gullets within a minute. The estimated total of pies that each player will consume is 9573. The official title of this event is ‘The Lamps & Robbo Sponsored Pie Eat’, but Fat Frank refers to it affectionately as ‘breakfast’.

Selling Advertising Space – Selling advertising space is one of the easiest ways to raise funds for your organisation. However most companies prepared to part with their hard earned readies for said spaces will ideally be looking for their ads to be placed in a prime position where the whole world will see them on a regular basis. What better place than the bottom of Cristiano Ronaldo’s boots!!!

Fine The Tottenham Defence – The only way to make easier money than selling advertising space, is to fine the Tottenham defence every time they concede a goal. Within only a few weeks, the Premier League would have enough dough to keep them in Cuban cigars for the next 2000 years, or until Tottenham win the league, though the former is expected to come first.

Take It From The Players – Most, if not all Premier League players are vastly overpaid, surely they would not miss £5,000 a week would they? Though it would be a good idea to put the AA and RAC on standby as it is likely there will be at least one swerving Bentley on the road.

The Arsene Wenger Challenge – Specsavers have promised to donate £100 to help save the Premier League every time Arsene Wenger doesn’t see something. This is thought to be one of the great money spinners of all time, though the directors of Specsavers began to worry about going bankrupt after rumours arose that Robert Pires may return to Arsenal.

Hire Out Sam Allardyce – Everyday, all over the world, millions of square miles of outback bush and rain-forest are destroyed by fires. The simple solution to battle this would be to hire out Big Fat Sam to various countries, stand him infront of the blaze and then inform him he was given more than enough time to prove himself at Newcastle & that Steve McClaren was the better choice of manager for England. The volume of spittle coming from his humongous face will be enough to eliminate the most ferocious of fires. He could also moonlight at various oil fields in the middle east. Red Adair will be shitting himself.

Borrow The Cash – I hear George Graham has a few quid.
————–

Of course this is just a light hearted pisstake of a very serious situation, if you, like most of us, are outraged at the Premier League’s proposals, then you can speak out against it by signing our petition, that can be found HERE!