Date: 25th February 2008 at 3:54pm
Written by:

As the fallout from Saturday`s traumatic match against Birmingham rumbles on, emotions have obviously run high in the aftermath and many a heated word have been exchanged. It would be wrong on an occasion such as this not to examine your own behaviour and the conduct of those to which you are allied. So with clear reflection and given the sapient words of Birmingham City players ringing in my ears, I would like to compose an apology.

Firstly, apologies to everybody at Birmingham City. Arsenal reject Sebastien Larsson has spoken today and correctly lampooned Arsenal for “being in a bad mood all game. They were very unsportsmanlike.” Of course Sebastien, you are absolutely correct. Having just seen their friend`s leg mangled beyond all recognition, how dare the likes of Fabregas, Hleb and Adebayor demonstrate their distress? Some of them were nearly in tears for goodness sakes. What wussies. Having seen ‘Tiny` Taylor`s quite honourable challenge nearly amputate a team mate`s limb, they should of course have been the life and soul of the party. Why, Coventry`s players were handing out tea and crumpets in the wake of David Busst`s injury. We were of course thoroughly unsporting, particularly when our two goal Scottish striker James McFadden went through on goal, missed wildly, and tried to claim a non existent foul by Philippe Senderos, which would have resulted in a penalty and a red card. And when our Northern Irish goalkeeper Maik Taylor took in excess of thirty seconds for his every goal kick we really took the biscuit. As for Arsenal`s treatment of an honourable advertising hoarding, what a disgrace! That hoarding worked bloody hard to get where it is today, having been reared on a Northern scrapheap, it never complained and waited for its shot at the big time only to be cruelly robbed in its prime by the Arsenal skipper. Imagine if Gallas had manifested that aggression onto a player, why, somebody might have ended up in hospital!

Larsson, bearing no grudge against the manager who sold him to perennially relegation threatened no hopers, went onto label Wenger, “idiotic and childish.” Quite right, the way Wenger carried on you might have thought he was upset or something. Which is fair enough, but the least he might have done was to retract his statement about gentle Tiny. Wise Seba went on to label Wenger a “sore loser.” Spot on, having seen his team succumb to a 2-2 defeat, Arsene should have been more forthcoming in his praise for the victorious home side (The fact that Birmingham have only been awarded a point for their victory, whilst Arsenal have also been awarded a point for their defeat just illuminates the ‘Big Four` bias, don`t you think?). Larsson`s team mates were quick to twist the knife as well, ex Spud Stephen Kelly told an attentive nation that, ‘The reason the ref has sent him off is because he has seen Eduardo has broken his leg. I don’t think you can send a player off for that. It was harsh Tiny [Taylor] being sent off. He didn’t lunge. He didn’t dive in. He is such a nice bloke,’ Well said Stephen, of course we can`t go around sending people off for breaking opponent`s legs, where would the English league be if we did that? Why, soon we`d be like those namby pamby foreigners, outdoing opponents with skill and technique. No blood, no foul, that`s what I say. Kelly, with his Johnsonian turn of phrase then wittily explained, “Tiny hasn`t got a bad bone in his body.” Quite. Whilst medical evidence proves that the histrionic Eduardo has several severely mangled bones in his body.

Braveheart James McFadden also labeled Wenger “a disgrace” whilst his manager Alex McLeish insists gentle ‘Tiny` had “done nothing wrong.” Top logic boys, Tiny does nothing wrong by going half a yard over the top of a grounded ball, yet Wenger is quite clearly a disgrace for having the temerity to be upset about it. Your club and its value system can be very proud of itself. Up and at em boys. There is currently a heart warming docu piece doing the rounds on Sky Sports News about how Tiny plans to rebuild his career and surmount this appalling setback that has befallen him. I`m sure all Arsenal fans would like to wish Tiny a speedy recovery and hope that he can return the same player, the centre half whose calculations of speed, height and distance rival that of an inebriated, three legged cart horse. Please leave your condolences at www.pooroldtinydoesnthaveabadboneinhisbody.com/twatmeister where we will put them into an e card and forward them on to this dreadfully unfortunate man. Having been at the game I also had not been privileged enough to hear Richard ‘electrolysis` Keys` compassionate assessment of William Gallas` post match reaction. “Sort yourself out son.” Bang on old bean, how dare a moneyed, privileged footballer show any connection with his supporters by demonstrating he cares? Poor form, stiffen up that upper lip William. Surely a more British approach to helplessly standing by as his team mates career possibly curtails in front of his eyes a fortnight after his friend and compatriots brother dies suddenly is what is required? After all, aren`t we fans always complaining that these scarcely paid footballers care too much? So to Birmingham City and their players, and to Richard Keys, we are dreadfully sorry to have offended your sensibilities. Hopefully Eduardo will be sporting enough to issue a statement forthwith apologising for allowing his ankle to shatter and making Tiny feel bad.

P.S. To Richard Keys and all at Sky Sports News, no advertising hoardings were harmed in the writing of this article. I did however; poison my colleague by putting arsenic in his tea. But I`m such an honest bloke and haven`t got a bad bone in my body so no blame can be attributed. In fact, some people nickname me ‘Tiny Tim`, though most of those people happen to be female. In fact, most of those people happen to be females I have slept with. Hmmmm????LD